I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.