I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.