There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.