There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

What we do is a calling...we make people happy.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.