There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing