"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.