"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.