If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.