If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."