I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.