Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

When you're first-generation money, you want to say, "I got a Mercedes and a Rolls and a Lamborghini. Take a look." When you're second-generation money, you're very quiet behind your country club doors. I think that's why people are much more aware. It's the first-generation wives that have the huge rings and the second-generation says, "Everyone be quiet as we get on our yacht or our private plane."

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.