Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Victoria Beckham is so nasty, why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to all the people around her. She's too short to be a diva. We all use the same hairdressers, make-up artists, limo-drivers and greeters at the airports in LA and nobody has anything nice to say about her. They say she's rude. She can't always just be having a bad day.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."