Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.