A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.