My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.