You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.