I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.