I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.