When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.