Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?