I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.