Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Can we talk?

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.