I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.