I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.