No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.