No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.