I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked