I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.