I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’m never without a bandage.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.