My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.