My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.