I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.