I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.