I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.