Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.