Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.