Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Never floss with a stranger.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.