After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.