After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.