If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.