If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Never admit that your back goes out more than you do

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.