Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.