Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.