Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.