Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

I’m never without a bandage.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.