My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I was not an attractive child.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.