My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

Self-pity shortens your life.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.