My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.