My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

Can we talk?

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Obama came in and said he was going turn everything around, and you can't. Give the guy a break. But I question a lot of what's happening. It's certainly going to reflect in my vote, but who else is there? It's a horrible time, because people vote party lines instead of what's good for the country. I think the whole health care issue turned so ugly, because of party lines, and that's not what that's supposed to be about.