If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.