Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.