Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.