Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.