Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.