It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.