It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.