That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Everyone takes fashion so seriously! It's fashion - enjoy it!

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.

The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.