That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

I am furious about everything.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.