I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

I was not an attractive child.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.