I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.