Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.