A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.

You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

I'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.

I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.