A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I’m never without a bandage.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.