No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

I am furious about everything.

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.