No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.