My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
Comedy - and I say this with humility - comedy needs me.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.