Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.