If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.