If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.