If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.