I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Never floss a stranger.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.