I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Never floss with a stranger.

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.