I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.