Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.