Happiness, at my age, is breathing

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.