Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this.

you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.