You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.