My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.