My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.