I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

Self-pity shortens your life.